Perfection
by the lola
Summary: "Four days Pans, I haven't eaten for four days." Then she turns to look at me. "Shame you cant say the same, you just can't stop yourself." This is what she does, this is what she always does, she's afraid of doing this alone. :EDITED.
1. Pansy Chapter One

A/N- So, this idea has literally been playing on my mind for so long, I just really wanted to try it. I know its not very long, but I didn't want to write a lot if no one was going to like it, so this is just a tester really. If I carry on with this then it will be a few loosely linked one shots to do with Pansy/Daphne and possibly Millicent, Its rating T just to be safe, for future chapters. Sorry if there are any major mistakes I just really wanted to get this out of my head, I hope you all like it! Don't be too harsh, its my first attempt at a Harry Potter fic! Thankyou.

**A/N- I am editing this fic at the moment, because of my terrible typos and grammar! **

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PERFECTION CHAPTER ONE.

I hate food, I do. I hate myself, I do. I can't face the mirror, I can't. Hunger pains shoot through me and the thought "I can't do this any more" enters my head for the seventeenth time this week. I can't, but I have to, being imperfect is not an option, being fat is not an option.

I watch Millicent as she butters her second croissant, devouring it in a matter of seconds. How can she do that to herself? How did she manage to keep out of this mess? How does she live with herself when that is what she sees? Thousands of questions run through my mind when I see her looking the way she does.

Strangest thing is, she seems happy… what even is happiness? I don't think that I could tell you, its been that long since I've felt happy. I am pretty much numb, I don't feel.

But I want to eat, I can control this, I don't need to feel like this, I can make myself better, I can. I hesitantly take a bite of the toast I made, and another, and then another. Before I know it I'm finished, and half way through a fruit salad.

I hear someone clear their throat. "Pans, shall we go?" Only, I don't want to go. "Actually, Daphne, I want to finish my breakfast." She raises a challenging eyebrow at me, and looks me up and down, judging every inch of my body. Its mind control, she started this, she's manipulating me and it works. Every time, that look she gives me makes my skin crawl, it makes me want to go and throw up till I collapse.

"Well I want to talk to you." She folds her arms, eyes now focused on my face. I need to get out of here, I need to be alone, I need to be sick, I need to be empty, I need to be thin. She sighs and walks out, like she knows I'll be following her any second, and I do, I trail her all the way till we reach the bathroom.

Daphne stands in front of the mirror, preening herself, running her hands through her thin blond hair, then her fingers over her cheek bones. "Four days Pans, I haven't eaten for four days." Then she turns to look at me. "Shame you cant say the same, you just can't stop yourself."

This is what she does, this is what she always does, she's afraid of doing this alone nearly as much as she's afraid of being fat. She cares about me in a strange way, she doesn't do a lot to show it, but I know she does. She's held my hair back when I've been sick, she helped be become what I am. "I can make myself better Daphne. I'm not as far gone as you, I know I can control this."

Her eyes narrow, fire dancing in her blue eyes. "I'm sorry but you haven't dropped even a pound. It's disgusting. You're nearly as bad as Millicent." She spits, before pointing to the toilet and leaving.

I stare at the toilet. At least Millicent is happy. If I just put my fingers down my throat then I can be back on track, on my way to being skinny, pretty, perfect. But I want to control this, I can control it. I am a normal weight, I am. I run my fingers through my hair while racing back to my room, tears pricking my eyes, I can be strong. I am strong, no one knows a thing, and no one has to know. I can be normal.

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A/N- What did you guys think then? Review!


	2. Daphne Chapter Two

A/N- This chapter is devoted to Slashyslashlover, as my only reviewer. This is the edited version.

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CHAPTER TWO

DAPHNES POV

Pansy never cries, never.

She's the perfect image of a strong person because her problems are all in her head, the tears don't reach her eyes but it doesn't mean that they aren't there.

I cry. But I don't question. Pansy questions; she's always asking questions. Questions I can't answer. Why don't you feel hunger? Why don't you feel anything? Why aren't you in pain like I am? Why are you so cold and unaffected? Why are you perfect? All questions that are better left unanswered, she wouldn't like my answers, they would ruin everything I've made myself out to be.

I don't know why I keep doing this. I don't know why I keep agreeing to him. I can't have sex with Blaise; he can't see me like this. No one can see me until I'm perfect.

I run my hands over my ribs, counting them one by one, satisfied for now with their prominence. I eye myself critically in the mirror, zoning in on my flabby bits, on my arms, my stomach, my hips, my thighs. I run my hands through my hair, it's everywhere. I am huge.

Panic rushes through me, I can't do this. I have to get out of here. Feeling a drop of water hit my toe, I realize I've been crying, rather hysterically actually. And there it is again, my tears. I'm so weak.

I let out a choked scream filled with my frustration and curl up on the floor. I bring my knees up, they're just so huge. I am huge. Why would anyone want to have sex with me? I am disgusting, vile. I can't even look at myself without crying.

My chest shakes. My throat aches. My face stings. I cry. There's nothing I can do but cry. I don't have a choice. Things have to be this way.

I want to die, but I can't. There's no point in dying if I can't at least die being perfect. Finally, the tears stop, I get up and check my reflection, its disgusting. Mascara smears and matted hair around my face, red cheeks, black bags under my eyes. I am a mess.

Sighing, I start to clean myself up, reapplying lashings of makeup; my mask. When I'm done, I look at myself and feel calmer already. I think "Well wasn't that silly?" because it was silly, I am fine, just fine. But I need to find Zabini, and rearrange our meeting. I can do it, just not today.

A knock on the door lets me know he's probably just arrived. I take a deep breath and plaster the most enchanting smile I can muster onto my face, and although it doesn't quite reach my eyes I doubt he's ever even looked at them so he'll never notice. "Hello, Blaise."

He looks me up and down, a practically feral look in his eyes, grabs me by my hips, placing butterfly kisses wildly down my neck and along my collarbone.

I struggle to push him off, but I do. "Blaise, what the fuck! I need to talk to you, sit down now." I narrow my eyes, fold my arms, and raise my eyebrow- my only defensive body language.

He chuckles darkly, and sits, all the while looking me up and down with a condescending eye. "You've bottled it again haven't you Greengrass?"

I laugh sarcastically, "Don't be ridiculous, I'm on my period today you dolt. I don't want to have sex with you when I'm on my period." I shock myself at my own lies, but then again, I always lie. It's like a second language to me. Truth is, I haven't had a period in months -only Pansy knows that.

Pushing himself off of my bed and turning to leave, he casts a lazy look in my direction. "Too much information, I'd rather you were too scared… we'll have to reschedule then?" He winks at me, before swaggering off out of the room, not even bothering to shut the door.

I let out a breath I was unaware of holding. I can't do this. It's not fine, nothing is fine.

I run my hands through my hair, flinging myself onto my bed. I'm tired, of everything. I want the world to swallow me up. I want to be normal for once.

I reach under my bed, feeling around, and find what I was looking for. I tear the wrapper, and slowly pull it off; tears are stinging my eyes, threatening to fall again. I take a bite of the biscuit, and finally the tears are flowing. I eat that one, and another, crying the whole time, tears making me ache, making me guilty.

Pansy never cries, but I never question. Pansy never cries, but I never question. This is just the way things have to be. Those thoughts keep constantly running through my mind as the room is filled with the sounds of my chest rattling sobs.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I've put weight on. Its all round my face, I look disgusting. I want to cry again at the sight of myself. Greedy. Fat.

Then the porcelain toilet bowl in the back of the reflection catches my eye. I can empty everything again, I can empty my worries, my concerns, and I do. I empty everything into that toilet bowl, until I'm left with black dots swimming in my vision, on the verge of fainting.

All that I am is fat and pathetic, Pansy doesn't know, nobody does. Pansy shouldn't question, when I can't tell her anything. My story is not what she thinks.

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A/N- Review!


	3. Pansy Chapter Three

A/N- I'm sorry that I haven't mentioned, but obviously this story could be triggering so don't read if you are easily triggered. This is the edited version.

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CHAPTER THREE.

I stare into the cauldron, as I stir round and round. I think I've done it too many times now, I don't know, I've lost count.

Draco won't talk to me- he's too busy leering at Daphne alongside Blaise. It's starting to feel rhythmic, peaceful, I can actually think for once.

My thoughts surround my hunger. I'm hungry. I didn't eat anything yesterday; my first zero calorie day since I started all this, so I can eat today, right?

I look over at Daphne as she bites her lip flirtatiously in the direction of Draco and Blaise. How is she so confident? I have no confidence left, I am just disgusting. It hurts to think about it. I want to eat- I know it's okay to eat and that I'm actually not fat; but at the same time I shouldn't eat anything. I won't loose weight. My thighs will touch. I won't have visible hip bones. I have to remember what I want; I can't loose sight of it.

I turn my attention back to my bubbling cauldron and suddenly hot breath is on my neck and Snape booms in my ear "Disgusting! This is ridiculously over concentrated. Leave. Class dismissed." Disgusting. He thinks it too. I am.

I know he means my potion, but at the same time I swear he means me. Millicent grabs my shoulder as I turn the corridor corner, "Pans we have no lessons all afternoon! Lets go for a walk outside, the weather is beautiful." Although, I wouldn't call snow beautiful, but Millicent makes me feel normal.

When I'm with Daphne she's watching, analyzing, criticizing. I am my problem when I'm with her. I can pretend with Milly. She doesn't know a thing.

She's happy.

The thought screams in my head until I think I might collapse- but that might just be the lack of food. She's happy. She eats. How can you eat and be happy? How can you eat without feeling guilt filling you up?

My thoughts are so disjointed. I swear I can feel myself slowly loosing my mind. Suddenly Millie's glass-shattering laughter fills my ears and I jump back out of my thoughts. I smile, a hideously fake smile that makes my lips crack and my skin tighten, and loop my arm through hers.

I cast a warming charm on the snow and then throw myself onto it, and then shortly after Milly does the same. She starts to tell me a ridiculous story about Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy having a thing- she insults the Granger girl over and over.

"That skanky mudblood slut!" She cackles, using the vile word over and over again.

It makes my stomach churn. Daphne told me about Granger – supposedly she's fallen into the trap too. Although Weasley and Potter are constantly coddling her so she's constantly in the prefect's bathroom, pen down throat. Never seen it for myself but it makes sense; we three seem to have begun some sort of club.

It started for Daphne because of muggle studies, learning about these things called eating disorders. We both knew there was no weight loss potion, spell, charm, we have to do that the muggle way.

Daphne thinks it started for Granger that way too- she probably got curious and read one too many books, and saw one too many photos.

Me? Manipulation. Daphne is scared of going through this alone, so she slipped in a few hurtful words here, a few bad photos there, a couple of rumors, a mind game- if you must.

It's so easy to get away with all of this because no one really knows that these eating disorders exist. It's so easy to let girls waste away, it's not like it hasn't happened before. It's easy to trigger- compared to the muggles; the wizarding world is so used to depending on magic to solve their problems that the relatively simple matter of weight loss is too much for our minds.

Millicent decides it's about time we have lunch. I feel normal right now. Normal. Feels weird to think it though. So do I feel normal? I feel like I should eat. I didn't eat yesterday; a piece of bread won't do a difference right? One hundred calories. Stick to less than five hundred, it will be fine.

Starving is easier than restriction. I'm scared. When I eat one thing I can't stop. I feel like I've restricted myself too long. I'm deprived. I need to try everything one more time. I can start again tomorrow. I'm so weak. I actually have to fight with myself. I am shutting down. I can feel it. The panic is setting in. One foot in front of the other Pans, smile. One foot in front of the other, smile. You can do this. One piece of bread.

I sit down opposite Milly, scanning the food, scanning for anything low calorie. I smile at her once more before buttering my bread, and keeping my head down as I eat. I hate people watching me eat. I want to run away. To hide. To eat alone, in peace.

My mind needs peace so I can assure myself this is okay. Half my mind screams no, but the other tells me its okay to eat this. I finish, feeling better with myself. I reach for a biscuit and then the voices come rushing back into my head. I push them back, tell myself all the encouraging things I always do, and eat the cookie. I eat crisps, then a croissant. That has to be 600 calories alone. It's okay, I tell myself.

But it's not okay. I see Daphne in the door way, looking at me with patronizing, but sympathetic eyes. I look over to Granger, who, when I think about it, was always thinner than me, but doesn't look that different. Early days. She should get out while she still can.

Daphne's foot tapping expectantly reminds me why I do this. To be better than her. To beat her at something. To get the looks from the guys like she does. I don't want to be her, I don't. I want to be better than her. Just for once. The full up feeling in my stomach makes me want to throw up- but I wouldn't, I can't. Its one thing I will never do again. Starve or get fat. No fingers down throat, that will not happen anymore Pansy, that will not happen…

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A/N- Hope you all like, review please!


	4. Hermione Chapter Four

A/N- So, my idea for Hermione made itself into a story of its own, but I will still do a Hermione POV for this story seeing as it was asked for! Thanks for the reviews. This is the edited version.

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HERMIONES POV.

I take a bite of my pancakes, laughing at Ron as I notice the milk coating his upper lip. The pancakes taste delicious, always been my favorite.

I spy Daphne Greengrass and Pansy Parkinson across the other side of the hall, both glaring at me. They do this every day, every meal. It's as if they see right through me. Although, they can't know anything, right? Nobody knows about…that. Nobody needs to know, it will just cause people to worry unnecessarily.

I finish the pancakes and swipe the plate with my finger to get the rest of the sugar. Ron and Harry both laugh, and then Harry asks me if I want to walk to first lesson with them now. "No, I need to sort my hair out" I smile and roll my eyes, pointing to the quite tame curls on my head. "I'll see you in lesson!" They both smile and walk off, never suspecting a thing. I follow them out the hall and they turn left as I turn right.

Apparently people who do this are unstable; at least, that's what the books say. But the books don't really tell you the truth I guess.

They never mentioned that this could make you pass out, or your hands and mouth blister. They never mentioned your hair could fall out. It's all very factual, just not quite enough truth in it- just like me I guess.

That's why I like those books. I guess I could say I'm not lying; really it's just that nobody asks. That's what I tell myself. My stomach feels heavy; I hate the taste of food in my mouth. I feel sick.

So I go into the prefect's bathroom, find the most isolated toilet cubicle, cast a silencing charm around it, and then kneel down. I contemplate not doing it for a fraction of the second, but all doubt is almost immediately gone when I look at my thighs pressed together.

I remember I really do need to loose weight. By my calculations, if I'm not using around seventeen-hundred calories a day, that equals to an under eat of eleven thousand-nine hundred a week, which means I should loose about three and a half pounds this week. I just need to do this for twenty eight days. That's all. Twenty eight days and I will have lost a stone. I will be at the weight I want. I'm fine, I'm happy, as long as I'm thin and perfect. I'll stop after twenty eight days.

I said that thirty three days ago. It's so addicting, to just eat what you like and then throw it all up. It's comforting. I like being able to keep this one thing to myself, this one thing that nobody knows. Sometimes, being able to do this is the only thing that keeps me going.

My stomach isn't that full right now, so I probably only need to be sick twice. I grab a hair band out my bag and pull my hair up into a tight ponytail.

I take a pen out of the front pocket of my bag, and push it down my throat until I begin to heave. I heave for a long time today before anything comes up, but once I've thrown up twice I feel completely empty. My mouth tastes bitter and my throat burns, but I feel better. I can't seem to keep anything down anymore.

I realize the time must be getting on, and if I don't go now I'll be late for first lesson so I grab my bag, flush the loo, and run out of the cubicle, but straight into Daphne Greengrass.

"What you doing Granger?" She eyes me up and down.

"What does it look like? Going to class," I try to shove her out the way but she stays put, arms folded.

"I know what you're hiding." She smirks.

I panic. What? How could she know? I muster up a fake laugh. "What are you talking about Daphne? And anyway, you're not even a prefect, so you need to leave."

"So you're trying to tell me you didn't just make yourself sick?"

I gulp. She knows. "Don't be ridiculous…" I avoid her eyes, looking at the floor.

"Explain the hair then Granger. Since when do you wear it up, and like that?" She looks smug.

The hair? My hair isn't up. Oh shit. It's up. I reach up nervously to my hair, realizing that it is indeed. She's right; I never wear my hair up. "Please don't tell…"

"Don't worry, I won't tell about you if you don't tell about me." She winks.

"What?"

"Well I'm not as _disgusting _as you. I actually do it right, you know, starve? But sometimes I slip up or feel bad about myself so the sick thing happens occasionally. And we're not the only ones."

"I'm not like that…I don't have an illness. I'm not you." I defend. Well that explains the strange looks then. But I don't want to get involved in this, I'm not ill like them, I'm happy. I'm fine.

"Okay good, so we won't tell each others secrets. Good bye now Daphne." I push past her; she looked expectant but now confused.

I realized as I got to the door she had wanted something out of this. Teaming up? I grimace. No thank you, I'm stopping in twenty eight days. I don't need someone triggering me off again.

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A/N- Please review, and check out my other story Save Me From The Dark- if you like this story, then I think you'll like that one.


	5. Daphne Chapter Five

A/N- Okay so I've basically rewritten this chapter. My last one was rushed and terrible, my health was just really bad and I couldn't bring myself to write it properly. So, I hope this is enjoyed! Love you all.

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I thought she was strong.

I can't do this on my own.

She can't leave me, she just _can't._

I try to focus on the sloppy kisses trailing down my neck but I can't.

I'm going to loose her.

I did this to her.

I thought, I thought she wasn't doing it right.

Jealously bubbles through my veins for a flash of a second as I realize…

She's thinner than me.

I'm a failure.

I can't even be better than her at this.

My buttons pop open slowly.

I hold my breath, desperately holding back tears.

"_What happened?" I ran into the common room, demanding to know what the commotion was about._

"_It's Pansy." My little sister told me solemnly. _

"_Sorry, what?" I was lightheaded from the lack of food, and my sanity was being eaten away at by the second._

"_She collapsed. They don't know why. She won't wake up." Tears were rolling down her face, Astoria loved Pansy._

_No. It can't be. She's okay, she **has **to be okay. I push through the crowd roughly and see her sprawled on a stretcher. "Pansy!" I screech. I can't keep my cool now, she can't just **leave **me. "Pansy!" _

_Someone tries to pull me away, attempting to murmur calm words to me. "Why is no one doing anything!" I yelled, uncaring that the whole room had their eyes trained on me._

_My world was turning upside down. Wake up Pans, wake up. The sickening thing was though, all I wanted to do was throw up. Something to focus on other than this. Purging would do that for me._

"_Daphne calm down. She might still be okay, the teachers are saying something about muggle illness." Millicent patted me on the back, but I ignored her and race after the crew of people following Pansy to the infirmary._

_I wasn't aloud in. Tears were rolling down my face and I couldn't control my sobs. I **needed** her to be here. To do this with me. _

"_She's not awake, she isn't going to wake up soon- she might not ever wake up Miss Greengrass, she is very ill." _

_Then I just felt like a failure. I failed her for getting her involved, and I failed myself. For not being the skinny one. No one suspects me- I'm not thin enough. _

I could have saved her from this.

I'm supposed to be her friend.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I'll end up like her.

"Merlin, you're thin." He traces my ribs, frowning.

But I'm not, am I? Or I'd be like Pansy, no one knowing if I'd wake up.

The little girl who died for her cause.

I blink; I don't want to hold back the tears anymore.

I'm self destructive.

_"A ticking time bomb."_

_"Inevitable death."_

I didn't believe them.

Today they forced me to, though.

Pansy tried. She did.

She tried to speak sense into me.

I was scared.

I didn't want to do it alone.

I still don't.

I can't.

I'm completely naked now.

Finally my thoughts are clouded enough by the pain he causes.

My mind is hazy.

The world is too much.

My life is too dark.

I don't want to live.

To live without Pansy is to breathe without air.

Blaise finally gets off.

"Pathetic" He mutters. I barely even register.

He's gone yet all I can do is curl up on the floor.

No one knows I'm here.

No one can comfort me.

No one wants me.

No one loves me.

All I do is cause pain.

I'm a murderer, yet I can't stop myself from doing the same to my own body.

Live or die?

Which will cause me the most suffering?

Specifically to punish myself: I choose to live.

It's too easy to die.

I don't deserve to die.

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A/N- Review? Pretty please?


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